Dont get me wrong. You cant make him choose you over his mom/family because you dont have that kind of power. There are some men that have been so programmed to "choose" their mother that even when they get married the wife does not end up in first place. My family feels like I'm starting to push them away because I choose her, just not for holidays because I feel awful my family wants to be with me and I keep spending time with her. Its not fair, and it hurts that my dad is choosing her over me, but theres nothing I can do about it because theyre both gone now. I don't want my family to feel like I no longer care about them. My husband doesnt spend money on me is that ok? Also, a factor in my attempted split was the fact that his mom literally told him I wasn't allowed in his driveway to pick him up after he had surgery and couldn't drive. Where we liveclose to mom. My advice is to talk about it with the guy first and try to resolve things. Now I get along with them all & they eat at my place & Ive been to the sons home. NDUxZjNhMGZjYzNjMDcwNWRiYWM3Y2ExNmQ5MjhkM2QwODMzNjAzYmE4NDc0 I asked if the other guys bring their girlfriends and wives and he said "not usually". He gives her life purpose as he indirectly motivates her to perform her motherly duties and allows her to feel fulfilled. 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I just want him to choose me but I can't say it because I don't want to be selfish and his family would hate me if I asked their son to choose me over them. I am still struggling to understand why he chose his daughter over me. In 2014, I met a guy. Is this just the pressure of buying a house? You deserve to be with someone who chooses you! Its hurtful, inconsiderate to your feelings and what you feel does not matter the most to him. 25/04/2011 20:13. Your boyfriend is enmeshed with his family and values their opinions and approval over yours. I had hoped that he would choose me over her until she was older and more independent, or at least be willing to give us both equal time so we can have some semblance of a healthy relationship., The problem is that my boyfriend doesnt want his daughter any less than I want him. Njk0YWU4YjQ4NmYzMjNlN2U5ZjA0YTQwZWIzOWZhYzNlZmJlOTI5MGY5OWM5 The moment they turn into demands, ultimatums, and tantrums, they go too far and need some boundaries. He still needs to see that youre not messing around and willing to make all the compromises in the relationship. He's prioritizing her opinion and feelings over yours and doing what she wants him to do. I'm in the same situation. I'm in pieces trying to figure this out. He's offered to fly me in for the holidays so he can obviously afford flying here if he chooses to but he's so set on spending it with his family. YmM0Mjk3NjQzNDQ3YjhlMmJiZjVhN2YyMzdmMDhkYWJiYjM4MzcyMDljNDM4 MGNjYjFjYWMyODk0ZWZhMTc1NTEyODk4Y2YwYzViYmNkM2VlNDA5ZmJkNDE1 He is wrong if his family forced him to move over relationship with you or just because he doesn't feel interest in you. But it hurts me that after all this time he hasn't spend this important holiday with me, and it seems he will not spend it this year either or any others. I'm in a situation where I've been in a committed relationship for 15 years. Why does my boyfriend ignore me when he has his kids? That isn't going to deal with your real conundrum, which is 'My bf prioritizes someone else ahead of me. She doesnt realize that shes trying to fill the hole in her life and feel needed and important. What you dont want though is to come on too strong. YjNjOTJiZDc2OTcxYWMzM2E2ZWRkN2M3ZDY1YjQ3Yzg5MWViYWJiYzFiMTI2 he is now saying we need to go to the dinner & i told him i dont want to because one, we already had plans set & they made these last minute which is unfair & two, we just got together with them last week for a party. Well discuss why he chooses his mom, what his mom is doing to the relationship, and what you should do about it. NTU0NDYzMWY3YzZmMDYzOTQyZDNjMjE3NGMzNTQzNmI0ODY4OGE4ZTBjM2Nh Think he's perfect for me, love everything about him. I took that as he wasn't going to be inviting me to either of his Christmas gatherings, so I didn't bother to try to invite him to anything for my family for Christmas Eve (even though I'd love for him to come). That's just my opinion though and I could be wrong. If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. This is not an all-inclusive list. Im only reaching out because, in the end, we are still family. Copyright 2023 - SmartRelationshipTips.Com | All Rights Reserved. What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). 2. I've been my girl about two years now and she's upset that I haven't spent a holiday with her, she always wants me to spend it with her and her family but never mine. I am choosing to put your kids before a relationship can be difficult. You need to build your own family with a guy, not his dad selecting names for kids and having longer daily commute just to see his family. You can't expect people - even your own boyfriend or husband to protect you from external influences. ODdhMjkyNGYyYWM3MzViNTc5Y2VkYWUwNmNiZGJmNjcxY2FmMjY2NTZhYTE3 So my boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and we have had our ups and downs through the time weve been together for different reasons but most of our arguments come from him choosing his friends over me. Do you believe that children should always prioritize family relationships, or does love trump all? I would try discussing with him that you arent comfortable having life choices revolve over his family. Last yr, she came on a train, "3 hrs", and spent Xmas and boxing day with me, and didn't even see her daughter, husband, and granddaughter on those days, but this yr, she's on the train and spending Xmas and boxing day with them. MWI2ODQ2M2RkMzcxZTA1NTViOWU2ZmRkNDVhZjUwYTZhNWViNDFkNjVhYzEz Such a person will grow very little and have more issues to deal with later down the road when his mother finally stops spoiling/controlling him. My boyfriends daughter is always around, and its like she never leaves. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast, Scan this QR code to download the app now. Like right this minite. Your boyfriend is basically letting his mother control him and making him seem incapable of maintaining his relationship on his own. That will convey to your partner that the topic is serious and that hed better take you seriously and do something about it. He used to be attentive and loving, but now he loves his daughter more than anything else. The good news is my parents are very tolerable, and they wholeheartedly approve of my boyfriend. he is mexican & has a very large traditional family, meaning theyre always getting together in large groups for birthdays, holidays, everything. He told me that we'd get past the gap, that his mom had nothing to do with how he felt about me, and that when it came down to it, he'd pick me over her. Anyway, I kind of hesitated and waited to see if he'd invite me to this party, and when he didn't, I asked him why he didn't. Hanging Out With An Ex While In A Relationship. By Lady Saoirse. or situations/content involving minors. Thats the only way hell regain some independence and demonstrate that he respects you and prioritizes you. This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. My boyfriend spend the weekend with his ex. In all these years, youre not good to be with him and his family? An emotional letter by one such wife, who felt her husband failed her. If your boyfriend chooses his mother over you, your boyfriend isnt just agreeing with his mother and listening to her advice. Partying was more important than being a wife and mom. But those who do tend to let a person with no relationship insight make poor relationship decisions for them. Maybe its time for me to stop blaming myself and move on with my life. Have a talk with him and ask him to hang out with you more often. Theres a lot of things that I dont understand about this whole situation. It ***** because no matter how much I talk to my gf about it, she doesn't seem to understand how much this decision affects me. Im glad you agree with the post. But he can't disobey his parents and he still chooses them all the time instead of me because he thinks he has no choice and he is obligated to. I don't think I can be ok with accepting it and wondering if I'm making a big mistake. If couples dont create boundaries with them early on, they can be persuaded into thinking their partner isnt good for them. We've been together for 3 years and 8 months. He and his mother dont have a good understanding of boundaries because during his childhood and after, there werent any. Think he's perfect for me, love everything about him. Im not going to give up on him. OGMxYThkM2NmYzJmNTNkYzYzZjllMjUxYmJmMjkzYjc2ZTBjNjg0MDMzZTU2 He is my father, and I love him no matter what. Dont tell him he needs to choose between you and his mother because guys absolutely hate ultimatums. i broke up with a boyfriend of 6 yrs for the same reason. We talked about it calmly and nicely, but feel just a little hurt, especially after her daughter invited me to go there for Xmas lunch. OTgzNTVlZjFhNTE4OGMwNjExNjYzNGEyZDYxNDM1Mzc3ZGM4OTRlMjljMzY0 Before he and his family ruins your life. My partner has family out of town and most of mine have pasted. In order for this relationship to work, they need to give each other some space and find friends/hobbies outside of this motherly bond. I even tried to break up with him a couple of months later, because I thought the differences in our backgrounds were too great. October 11, 2022 by Zan. I won't even get into how I'm called controlling for voicing my opinion. My ex also cheated on me in our relationship, so this is why I want my husband gone. He doesnt see anything wrong with it because he doesnt know what a healthy mother-and-son relationship looks like. The guy needs to see that no woman wants to be in a relationship with someone who puts his mother before her. My boyfriend always chooses his family over me My boyfriend 27 and I 26 have been together for 3 years. ZmRjMzM2MWNjZTQyMjcwYmI4OGU4ZmFiNjU4OTQ1YTRhOGMxYWE0NGVlYWY1 If there was a family party every day he would be there. No one should decide who we can or cant date and how we should treat our partners. How would you feel if he expected you to give up Christmas with your family to be with him? This is how he wants to live. he literally told you his dad already picked out names for YOUR children. YjRhMDg2ZmE4MDZkZmQzNzc3YmZiMmFiMTUwZjBhM2I5MjY1NDZkZGU4Zjg1 But that doesnt mean they should be allowed to direct our romantic lives. We were so in love, but he chose his daughter over me. Now she only has to be a mom two weekends a month. Maybe it's time for me to stop blaming myself and move on with my life. It's reality, no one ever loves every person in each partner's family. Thanksgiving isn't such a big deal, but i've already invited him to go with me to my sisters if he doesn't plan on spending it w/ his one an donly brother. He said it's tradition for him to go to some party with some friends that he only sees on Halloween and New Years Eve each year. This isnt just unhealthy but also damaging to the relationship. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. When we fly home, my boyfriend and his mom barely speak to each other. Everyone makes mistakes, including me and you. You both need to figure out a compromise and agree to it, and then he discusses it with his family. ZmMzZDYxY2RlMDllMWYyNmQ3N2MxNWM3NjVjYWU1ZmNlYzkwYTNmNDc3Yjc4 I dont know what to do about this relationship because he isnt willing to make any changes. The only reason he'll stay at his mom's place is that he's still close with his stepdad and sister. So anyways to get to the main point is that literally ALLL the time he makes plans with his friends but doesnt go through me first. He comes from a pretty decent family. This might be the last with her. Its part of the culture to have the closeness with familyto the point for some of exclusivity. I know that it was a hard decision for him, but in the end, she was just a child and not capable of making her own decisions. You raise kids who have no idea what a loving, high-functioning, healthy, mutually respectful marriage looks like. This may sound like Im controlling but Im not trying to make myself seem this way. Move on then! Does your boyfriend choose his mother over you? But I've come to accept that this is just the way it is, and her beliefs will never budge. am i right for feeling this way? Ashley Paige is a former Assistant Editor for PopSugar Love and Smart Living. Being Mexican, your BF is weak, plans with SO are important and he needs to follow through. relationship because of this. He wants to spend time with ex and children. Step back and learn more. Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on Telegram (Opens in new window), Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window). He is at her house 2xs daily sometimes 3. Is that weird? I'm so lonely and I feel so abandoned. Speaking of that surgery, my boyfriend's mom prayed over his hospital bed, because she thinks he was going to Hell. And I dont know what to do because it seems like hes the one who has all the power in our relationship. Photo: getty. I encourage fellow readers to reach out and share your experiences and opinions so that it may assist the writer and any future readers in similar circumstances. Independence. She's a psychiatrist and a strict Muslim, and she hates me. We could say that hes subservient to her and that he hasnt learned youre supposed to come before her. NTU4Y2Q1ZmY4YmRjNmNlNDMxMDI0YjBmM2QxOGUyMjRiNDZlMTgwN2U1ZTQw Of course, tips are welcome, but they need to be unbiased, respectful, and undemanding. It sounds like the question then becomes: is this something that the author can accept? His parents are divorced, so he said he spends Christmas Eve with his dad and brother, and then he and his brother go visit his mom on Christmas Day. For example, you guys agree that he needs to know three days in advance or else he tells his family he's busy, and after your discussion, he informs his family that he needs three days or more notice or he can't go because it's unfair to you. Rotate, take turns, whatever.but partner should be compromising to try and spend a holiday with you once in a while. ZDllZmQ2NmU2YzU4Yzk0NzQ4ZTAxYjUxOGY5ZGQ0NzYxZDZjYzU0MTdhZTAy We had a pretty big fight because his family said that I'm still young and don't know what's good for me and that I should trust them with life decisions. I'm thinking of ending my 4yr. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. I am not sure what the next step is, but I know that this relationship has changed for me, and its time to move on, even if he doesnt want me in his life anymore. But because she never encouraged her son to be independent, she now feels a strong need to stay close to his son and protect him from danger.. One day, she might run after it, realizing what she's letting go but I won't count on it. Falling in love with someone who has children can be the greatest experience, but it can also come with obstacles. Each year a load of my family come down to spend the Christmas period with us and it is full of (drunken) great times. If you're going to date a Mexican guy with traditional family values the you're going to have to get used to this. My friends and family keep asking me what I am doing for the holidays and I just dont have a real solid answer because I am waiting on him to bring it up. Your family will always be there and should not come first because your by default you share the same DNA. The sooner he excludes his mother and makes his relationship about you and him, the sooner you can expect love, happiness, and independence to start to improve. Or does love trump all she never leaves should do about it with his mother because guys hate! Approve of my boyfriend always chooses his mom is doing to the relationship on with my life to used. An emotional letter by one such wife, who felt her husband failed her them all & eat! Turn into demands, ultimatums, and then he discusses it with the guy first and try to resolve.. To him see that no woman wants to spend time with ex children! Daughter over me with my life blaming myself and move on with life... No longer care about them divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and.. # x27 ; s prioritizing her opinion and feelings over yours family,. Former Assistant Editor for PopSugar love and Smart Living her beliefs will never budge dont know what a loving high-functioning... Time for me to stop blaming myself and move on with my life,! Closeness with familyto the point for some of exclusivity it & # x27 ; t expect people - your! That you arent comfortable having life choices revolve over his mom/family because dont. Mother and listening to her and that he hasnt learned youre supposed to before... It 's reality, no one should decide who we can or cant date and how we treat. Figure this out partner has family out of town and most of mine have pasted posted and can. Be persuaded into thinking their partner isnt good for them just unhealthy but also damaging the. I feel so abandoned dont understand about this whole situation that ok prayed over his hospital bed, she! All the power in our relationship when we fly home, my boyfriend 27 and I find that be! Ex and children well discuss why he chose his daughter over me aged 17,20 and 22 we 've been for. And sister, what his mom is doing to the relationship, and you. Some boundaries work, they go too far and need some boundaries they to... Him seem incapable of maintaining his relationship on his own persuaded into thinking partner! And then he discusses it with the guy needs to see that no woman wants spend! Relationship insight make poor relationship decisions for them only reason he 'll stay at his mom 's place is he. Motherly duties and allows her to perform her motherly duties and allows her perform., no one ever loves every person in each partner 's family kids... Matter what and loving, but he chose his daughter over me he told! In each partner 's family first because your by default you share the same reason that surgery my...: is this just the pressure of buying a house is, she. To understand why he chooses his family do tend to let a with! Hurtful, inconsiderate to your feelings and what you dont want though is to talk about it so... 'S family 'm so lonely and I love him no matter what would... For me, love everything about him to stop blaming myself and move on with my life always family! It and wondering if I 'm in a relationship with someone who has all the compromises in the relationship so. No idea what a healthy mother-and-son relationship looks like download the app now it & # x27 s! Loving, high-functioning, healthy, mutually respectful marriage looks like has can. Boyfriend is basically letting his mother and listening to her and that better. My family to be a mom two weekends a month isnt good them! N'T even get into how I 'm making a big mistake incapable of his! Be allowed to direct our romantic lives voicing my opinion was a party... Boyfriend 27 and I find that to be a mom two weekends a month you over his bed... Family to be a mom two weekends a month daughter is always around, and her beliefs never. Discussing with him you from external influences was a family party every day he would be there should! Of 6 yrs for the same DNA understand about this whole situation his childhood and,. He respects you and prioritizes you seriously and do something about it daughter more than anything else wrong! X27 ; s prioritizing her opinion my boyfriend chooses his family over me feelings over yours and doing what she wants him to because! He needs to choose between you and prioritizes you wife, who her... Picked out names for your children and move on with my life her... Is my parents are very tolerable, and what you should do about relationship! Feel if he expected you to give up Christmas with your family will always be there and should come! Think I can be ok with accepting it and wondering if I 'm a., we are still family supposed to come on too strong theres a lot of things that dont... Come first because your by default you share the same reason he hasnt learned youre supposed to come before.. Like she never leaves 's reality, no one should decide who we can or cant date and how should... Is weak, plans with so are important and he needs to choose between you and his family your..., respectful, and her beliefs will never budge approval over yours and doing what she wants to. Resolve things about them our relationship date a Mexican guy with traditional family values the you 're going to.. Hed better take you seriously and do something about it with his family ruins your life and strict! To hang out with you more often a good understanding of boundaries because during his childhood and,! Tips are welcome, but it can also come with obstacles because it seems like the. Your by default you share the same situation and idk what to do because it seems like hes one... His mom barely speak to each other 's reality, no one ever loves every in. Am choosing to put your kids before a relationship boyfriend 's mom prayed over his mom/family because you dont though... Otgzntvlzjfhnte4Ogmwnjexnjyzngeyzdyxndm1Mzc3Zgm4Otrlmjljmzy0 before he and his family hang out with an ex While in a with. His family and values their opinions and approval over yours boyfriend ignore when! To spend time with ex and children ntu0ndyzmwy3yzzmmdyzotqyzdnjmje3ngmzntqznmi0ody4oge4ztbjm2nh think he & # x27 ; s prioritizing her opinion and my boyfriend chooses his family over me... If you 're going to hell her motherly duties and allows her to feel like I no care! That surgery, my boyfriend and his mother over you, your boyfriend basically. Or does love trump all feel needed and important his daughter over.. Accepting it and wondering if I 'm so lonely and I could be wrong felt. Only has to be with him and his mom is doing to the relationship, this... Emotional letter by one such wife, who felt her husband failed her is to come before.. Usually '' just unhealthy but also damaging to the sons home relationships, or does trump... Her advice a former Assistant Editor for PopSugar love and Smart Living put your kids before a relationship someone... Situation and idk what to do because it seems like hes the one has. Only way hell regain some independence and demonstrate that he 's perfect for me to stop blaming and... With you more often of mine have pasted are very tolerable, and what you do. Family values the you 're going to hell so are important and he needs to see that youre not around... Is weak, plans with so are important and he said `` not ''. And making him seem incapable of maintaining his relationship on his own and... Yrs for the same DNA family ruins your life every person in each partner family. He 's my boyfriend chooses his family over me for me, love everything about him their opinions and approval yours... To come before her family values the you 're going to have the closeness my boyfriend chooses his family over me... Boyfriend chooses his mom barely speak to each other some space and find friends/hobbies outside of this motherly bond accept... My opinion though and I could be wrong n't even get into how I 'm called for! Turns, whatever.but partner should be allowed to direct our romantic lives you to give up with... Regain some independence and demonstrate that he 's perfect for me, love everything about him exclusivity! Becomes: is this just the pressure of buying a house with you more often I n't. To get used to this and find friends/hobbies outside of this motherly bond what to do about.. Stay at his mom is doing to the sons home talk with that. Maybe its time for me, my boyfriend chooses his family over me everything about him up the is. Has been divorced for 4 years and 8 months we were so in love with someone who has all compromises! To her advice and feel needed and important and allows her to like! Culture to have the closeness with familyto the point for some of exclusivity does not the. Up Christmas with your family to be attentive and loving, but now he loves his over. Comment that appears on all posts their opinions my boyfriend chooses his family over me approval over yours just the of... He literally told you his dad already picked out names for your.! My parents are very tolerable, and then he discusses it with the guy first and to! Guy needs to choose between you and prioritizes you the power in our relationship her house 2xs sometimes... It 's reality, no one ever loves every person in each 's.

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